Not much has changed, but they lived under water

Ok, so when I look at my life a year ago compared to now, not much has changed, except practically everything. I work at the same school, the important players in my life are the same, my life goals are basically the same. Only, I've changed significantly. I have a new home, a new dog, new habits, and most importantly, a new life view.

The past year has brought so many changes- I (in order) got a dog (Winchester), started working at the local crossfit keeping kids, few months later, I started training at that gym. My best friend adopted two amazingly sweet little girls, my baby sister moved (well, really just didn't come home after she graduated) to Tennessee, I moved, and I am in a new classroom this year. Those are all the "big, life changing" things... but those things have brought on so many other changes. My grocery receipt looks completely different, my thoughts about food, nutritious, and the word 'diet' are completely different. My stress levels? down considerably- I still get stressed (about everything... like, its a problem) but I don't stay stressed, I work through it a lot easier and quicker. My self confidence, greatly improved. I feel good about myself. I feel accomplished.

The beginning of October has been historically (if you only include the last 4 or so years) hard for my family. Death, Diagnoses, broken bones, all happen in around this time on varying years (specifically the 8th- but i already wrote about that- you should go read it) But this year, I get to reclaim the 8th, this year, the 8th gets to represent not only the death of my Mimmie, the diagnosis of my Momma, or the shattering of my ankle, but it will mark the SIX MONTH mark of my crossfit journey. There will be no escaping the fact that all the other things have a horrible tendency to happen on the same day every year (some one, please, please, please explain the likelihood of that) but this year, I get to also walk into the box, and complete a WOD that will represent a half year, and seventy five pounds of hard work, which is not to be taken lightly. I even canceled a weekly babysitting gig just so that I could go into the gym and complete a WOD on Wednesday.

So, here's to looking ahead to the next six months, and looking back to see all the numerous changes I will get to talk about then!

Hello old friends

So, you know how the longer you go not talking to a friend the harder it is to start talking to them again? No matter the reason for the silence... Perhaps you were mad at one time, or maybe life just happened... Or maybe you moved, started back to work and got really involved in some other activities and just somehow never communicated. In these situations, a simple "hello, old friend, how are you?"  tends to do the trick perfectly well....

So, Hello old friends, how are you? 

And beyond that, I completely plan to ignore the almost two months that I kinda forgot I had a bloggy thingy. 

I will give this background: September at Crossfit College Park has been "sufferfest" with hero WODs and paleo challenges... Basically it's been a fest of suffering. WODs that have pushed me to my limit, (while helping me find my limit) and left me feeling those workouts days later. And hey- since we have reconnected, let's hope I share some of those fun times with you! 

In other news- something very frustrating began happening this summer. I noticed my ankle (the 20% titanium and screws one) (that's a completely made up percentage... Just know that I have some percentage of my ankle that is held together by metal) beginning to swell, and just plain hurt, almost constantly. So I finally asked my doctor about it and several things were said to me:

1. Protect your flat feet, stop wearing shoes with no support. (Basically, no more flip flops or flats with no inserts) 

2. Crossfit is to high intensity for you. You need to Stop crossfit, or modify greatly. No high impact things on your ankle. And no running. (You see what we chose right!?!? Cause seriously, I'm not giving up on the first thing I have found that I'm still actively participating in six months later)

3. Start wearing that really expensive brace that you held on to after breaking your leg TWO years ago...  Oh wait, I threw that out in one of my packing purges exactly 3 weeks before being told this... (So I am making due with the $6 brace from the drug store...) 

So yea, not only have I begun to find my suffer fest limits, I'm getting better and better at listening to my body and what it's telling me. If my ankle twinges, I don't keep going. I reevaluate and figure out why. I ask for modifications, and listen after the WOD is over to determine the after effects of things (like walking on a running intensive WOD, and spending the entire weekend with a swollen ankle... Didn't hurt doing it, but I couldn't get that swelling to go away for two days!) 

And with that, I shall call this little reconnect finished for today. I promise I'll keep in touch this go round!

Words I hate that I know how to spell

So, there's some things in life that are always with you, like no matter what is happening around you, to you, because of you, they have a small part in it. Some things seem small, like your favorite colors,  other things are a little bigger, like your name (hard to escape that one!) other things are huge, like your family. Rather you family is larger or small, made up of blood or close friends, helpful or hurtful, loved or unloved, near or far, healthy or unhealthy, it's kind of a defining part of who we are. Every day I live, my family is never far from my thoughts, my sisters (both biological and honorary), my dog (who, after three days of being sick I spent my entire day worrying over), my cat (who scares me every time she jumps out of my fireplace) the "honorary " nieces and nephews that I get the privilege of loving, my dad (who doesn't get a cute parenthesises because I just can't even pretend to begin to describe him in a few short words)  and especially my mom. 

I still remember the phone call from my dad, "the doctor thinks it's something called pick disease. I'll get Leslie to send you the information he gave us. But you can find it all on google." A sense of relief overcomes you when you get the final diagnosis, you finally know what you are dealing with, you have named the enemy, you can finally fight this after three years of misdiagnosis and unanswered questions. Then you type "Pick Disease" into Google, you find out it's actually "Pick's Disease" or more  specifically "Frontal Temporal Dementia (FTD)." You begin to realize, there is no fighting this, there's not even any slowing this down. You read life expectancies, you read about the wonder herb, chemical, plant etc that "so and so" are swearing by (that every medical professional somehow missed.) you text your BFFs, and receive a phone call from that BFF (which is super weird... We don't do phone calls unless it is super urgent,) but you don't answer it, cause somehow you are expected to still go to work  and you know, work. That phone call becomes a treasured voicemail that you still have saved almost three years later. You finally ban yourself from the internet for a few weeks (at least from googling this disease) and wait for the final confirmation from the neurologist, which comes the same day that you shatter your leg by falling down the stairs (which is also the one year anniversary of your grandmother's death.) (This is also the day that gets banned from your family's calendar, at the Stewart houses, we have October 7a, 7b and 9... No 8 to speak of) 

Over the past several years, we have watched as my mom slowly faded from us, becoming a completely different person, that is unrecognizable from the person we knew and grew up with. Last year my family and I joined the voices of people across the nation in the fight against dementia in the Alzheimer's (there's a word I wish I didn't know how to spell) Association's Walk to End Alzheimer's. This year we are doing it again. It's my dream and goal, that one day that relief of having a dementia diagnosis, can remain a relief, that it is no longer the end of the road. Treatment must be found that does more then a manage the symptoms.

And here is my crossfit tie in- I've learned over the past several months through crossfit, that to finish something really hard, it takes more then sheer determination, it takes people. It takes the people around you telling you to just do sets of 5, cause eventually you will make it to 50, it takes three people sitting down in front of you and counting to ten for you, cause counting is sometimes really hard, it takes someone saying, "you've got this, don't stop," then offering a high five or knuckle tap. I've seen the effect of people rallying around someone and shouting encouragement (or sometimes simply offering a thumbs up or head nod from across the room) 

 As most people that take the time to read this blog are either close family and friends, or crossfitters them selves, I'm asking that you partner with me in this fight. That you rally around my family, and the families of those nearly 5 million people affected by dementia and show support. Join my family's team at the 5k in October, deck yourselves out in purple, and come walk with us. Give a few dollars to support the cause. Ask me about car magnets that you can buy as a fundraiser. Ask me about the cool crafting my sisters and I plan to do to raise money. Ask me for a change jar to collect your spare change over the next few months for this cause. Visit our team page, leave some encouragement, share my team page with your friends. The biggest obstacle for this disease is awareness, it's not an "old person's disease" my mom was 55 when she was diagnosed, others are younger. Join me on this fight. Even if it's the simple clicking of a share button. 

You can find my team page here: http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk/?px=9290815&pg=personal&fr_id=5036 

[insert super clever! relatable title here]

Ok, so two(ish) months ago when I decided to move, I seriously had the thought "how hard can it be? All I have to do is pack stuff up, and the move it in. Easy peasy." Wanna know how wrong I was? Completely, totally, and amazingly wrong.  Did I also mention that I chose the last week of my current class to be move in week? So this week, not only am I constantly staring at everything in my house that still needs to be packed, I was also working on a end of class "prove that you learned something" paper with a list of requirements longer then the paper was required to be. Oh, and my phone is sick... And not isn't covered on obamacare. Also, it's supposed to rain all day Saturday. 😁

To say I'm stressed is an understatement. 

Hey, did you know that shaking (aka dropping) your ipad causes the whole chunk of text you just typed out to be deleted? Yea, I just learned that too. 

Anyways, Tuesdays at my home church this July have been "team up Tuesdays" which have been tons of fun! Hanging out with kiddos all day has been a great break from everything! This past Tuesday, we learned about Joshua, and the walls of Jericho. Our scripture verse? Joshua 1:9, in which God pretty much tells josh to get with it, cause he has has nothing to fear, cause you know, God is with him. Those walls of Jericho are nothing compared to the power of the all powerful God. Know what else? Those boxes, and papers, and rain are nothing compared to the power and strength of the ally I have on my team. 

Also, anyone want a fridge? Or dryer? Or dresser that needs a lot of refurbishing? Or a couch? Or a twin sized bed? Cause they are not going to my new house...

Anyways. On to crossfit... I may have not gotten a crossfit wod in all week... Scheduling time to get there has been hard, but hopefully tonight's will work out. Waiting to hear about a meeting I may or may not need to go to... If not, I will definitely be there tommorrow... At some point! 

Alright, well, back to packing. 

Sleep? or Competing with me (you choose the title)

Ok, so I have a dilemma, I kinda forgot about some school work that was due until  about 11pm yesterday... Which resulted in me being up WAY WAY past my bedtime... (Like to the tune of 2 or 3am)

Then I got up for 830 WOD this morning... 

So my dilemma is this: I am moving in exactly 9 days. (Yikes!) and still have a lot of packing to do... Do I take advantage of this polar vertex that is causing 70 degree weather in the middle July and work on packing, or do I take a little nap (that knowing myself, would not actually be a little nap, but a few hours)... Hmmm tough choices. I think I'll start with a shower! 

(I'm kinda proud of that braid... wish it had held up to the WOD!) 

Also, a little victory from today: Back on Day 2 of Crossfit training, my WOD was 50 wall balls, which according to my little folder, I did on a 20 inch box, with a 8 lb ball today, took around 10 minutes. Today? that first set of 50 wall balls (14ish box, 8lb ball)? FIVE minutes! I feel like I beat myself on that one!

Which brings me to something else that I had to relearn this week. When I am at crossfit (or any are of life) the only person I am competing with, is me. Am I pushing myself past my limit? Am I consistently besting my personal records? Am I comparing myself to what I did last week or last month? Am I achieving small victories that lead to larger ones? (like doing the strength part of today with no box... for the first time, Over Head squats with nothing under me!) Cause if I'm comparing myself to others, I'm gonna be defeated. If I am trying to do what Allison, or Christy, or Susan or (insert any name of any other crossfitter her) then I will never succeed. I have to do what MY body can do. One day, I will do a strict pull-up, one day I will do a Wall Ball WOD with no box under me, one day I will run a mile without stopping. But for today? I will keep doing my ring rows, squatting to a box, and running my short distances. Cause when I do that, I win. 

Qualifying

If there is one thing I can be confident it, I have really pretty eyes. And a really pretty face. The rest of me? Well I don't know, cause no one ever compliments those, without a big girl disclaimer. 

A few days ago, Robinette, who I have mentioned before, posted this video to his Facebook page: 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=862738187073242&set=vb.100000112074452&type=2&theater

(Let's hope that works... If not, I shared it several days ago on my FB page. Look it up)

And let me say, as someone who spent most of her adolescent and young adult life in the plus size category, This is so real! As a child, I did not carry extra weight, but somewhere around middle school, my mom went back to work, and I gained some very unhealthy eating habits. Those, the beginning of the path that lead me to where I am today. 

It's funny how many times a compliment can be turned into source of emotional hurt. How often a complimentor can honestly say something they think is nice and uplifting, but becomes a source of anguish for the complimented. All becuase you wanna add on a qualifier, and maybe I'm jot sensitive to it, so I don't notice it, but I don't hear that qualifier towards any other group of people. I never hear "Man, you're smart, for a tall person" or "Gosh, you're dedicated, for a blonde person" what does one have to do with the other? Why do you feel the need to qualify everything. 

These "qualifiers" can stick with a person, I hear them all the time. My dress gets complimented, my makeup gets complimented, my shoes, my jewelry, but rarely my appearance. And yes, I love when you notice my dress, and make up and shoes, cause I put time into presenting myself. I put effort into my hair and makeup (most days), so please, keep complimenting. But occasionally, just tell me I am beautiful, tell me I look good. You may not even hear this qualifier in your words either, maybe I'm sensitive, I don't know, but it comes in o many forms it's hard to list them. Telling me I have junk in my trunk? Not a compliment, my proportions are not a "junk in the trunk" body... Comparitively, I have no booty... It's flat from my lower back to my thighs. I just have fat. Looking at me and saying "I'm so surprised you can handle crossfit!" Not an encouraging "yay you" statement. I am capable. Tell metci are proud that I am doing it, that I am getting healthy. Not that you are surprised I can. When we walk somewhere, don't be surprised that I turn down your offer of driving the short distance, be excited that we get to spend an little extra time together on the trip. Stop treating me differently, because I carry a few extra pounds, I will let you know when I need something. Words can hurt, but even worse, implications can hurt more. 

When I was a junior in high school, I met a friends mom for the first time and I remember her saying "you have SUCH a beautiful face!" Extra emphasis on the such. I remember thinking at the time "what about the rest of me?!?!?" It's amazing how almost 10 years later and I STILL fixate on that comment! I hear it in my head almost everyday while I'm styling my hair, or putting my make up on. It's a tough one to get over! 

But even tougher? Getting myself to stop hearing those qualifiers. Cause sometimes when my friend says "that's a really cute dress" it's because my dress is really cite, not because she felt the need to find something to compliment, and settled there. And when my sister says "Your eyes are really pretty" it's because of that super awesome new mascara you got yesterday, and because you have some awesome eyes not because your body is not worth complimenting. And when my coworker comments on the junk in my trunk, it's because she appreciates the way the shirt fits my body, not because she wants to excuse my booty being bigger then average. And I really think that's the heart of th issue with qualifiers, I hear them one way, when you said them a different way. 

But seriously, stop with the "for a big girl/guy" phrase. I am beautiful. Because I am a person. I am talented, because I have talent. Robinette is attractive, because he is attractive, he moves well, because he has a talent for dance. You are awesome, because you are awesome. No qualifiers. No exceptions. You don't have to qualify to be a person. 

Confession time

Ok, so here are a few confessions: 

1. I almost never get enough sleep. I am a night owl, stay up late, drink coffee tomorrow! 

2. I almost never count my burpees right. I tend to find myself counting 1 for the push up part, 2 at the jump, 3 at the push-up, etc. But only sometimes. So I'm never completely positive that I did the right number of them.

3. I have a sweet tooth. Which sometimes gets the better of my self control

4. I've fallen back into fast food habits. (A lot of excuses can be placed on this one... Busy month, moving has thrown off my schedule, I keep forgetting to go to the grocery store, etc. But really, I just let myself get back into it. 

5. I really am not so terribly torn up over #2...

6. I purposely did not get up this morning for the WOD. I didn't oversleep. I straight up didn't set an alarm last night. 

7. I just ate three pieces of pizza. Something I haven't done in a LONG time. And I now feel very not good. 

8. I really need other people to tell me thy are atruggling with nutrition too. Cause I LOVE all the advice and tips, but I could seriously use a "yea, I are three pieces of pizza last night and it was a bad decision" (or something similar) 

9. I can not stand that this list might not make it to #10. I really really need it to be an even number

10. I just stepped away to switch the laundry from washer to dryer, and found $22 hanging out in the dryer. I have no memory of putting said money in the jacket that I haven't worn since winter... 

And there you go . Confessions.