Then and now

Last week, I posted a picture of a side by side of me and my dog. The day I posted it, marked the one year anniversary of him coming to live at my house (he had been "mine" for a few weeks at that point, but not ready to leave his dog mom.) As I was putting the pictures together, I had a small thought, that I shared with my sisters and close friends, in relation to how different I looked, but that was it, a small "hey, I lost a chin." And moved on with how cute my puppy was. Almost right after posting it, the suggestions to do some before, during, and eventually "after" pictures of my CrossFit journey started coming. Even my best friend's husband remarked to me how different I looked in the two photos, saying I looked like a completely different person. (Which then started the conversation that this whole post is based on, so Daniel, if you're reading, you officially have an inside scope...) 

After I posted the pictures, I got a few texts, a couple messages and one comment asking for a side by side comparison of my progress, so I figured I would try to get something together. Then,  the issue of picking the pictures began, I spent what felt like hours, and was seriously like 2 hours, going through facebook, my phone, my computer, my friend's facebooks, and anywhere else I could think to look for a good representation of my changes. The longer I looked, the more upset I became, and not for the reasons I feared, I know I have a weight problem, I expected to be upset by seeing exactly how bad it was. What I began to realize the longer I looked and looked, was I had a confidence problem, that runs deep, deeper then I ever realized. 

Every single picture I found was strategically staged to camouflage the extent of my double chins, my rounded belly, or my very thick thighs.  I had a kid in front of me, I had a scarf wrapped up to my chin, I had the camera directly overhead, looking up, or Christmas presents right under my chin. I don't remember ever thinking "let me do this to hide that;" It had become so natural to hide, such a second nature, that I couldn't find a single picture that would showcase the difference. I was hiding. In almost every picture. 

Something else that became glaringly obvious was the way I take pictures now, about 7-8 months ago a shift began happening, I was hiding in fewer and fewer photos, and could see the new found confidence in my eyes and body language. My smile more genuine, my body not hidden as much. I have gained a confidence that I never had before. 

So when you ask for a before and after, I'm not showing you a picture of my before weight and my after weight, I'm showing you a picture of the confidence that I have gained. That's the thing about crossfit- why no one can stop talking about it, crossfit allows you to do things you never thought possible. It allows me everyday to come to the gym, look at a workout that sometimes terrifies me, complete that workout, and mark my results. At the end of every WOD the feeling of accomplishment is undeniable. 50 Burpees? never- finished it. A 5k? nope- finished it. 163lb deadlift? Too much- lifted it. Whole30 eating challenge? I like food to much- on day 7.  I could go on, but I'll stop.

Here's the pictures I shared...

Here is a comparison of me taking pictures with my nephew...

The Power of Won't

Ok- So here we are at day 4 of the Whole30 detox (or is it a Cleanse- I’m going with detox, cause the word cleanse sounds WAY to nice for what my body currently feels, and detox is just the right amount of icky.) and I'm pretty sure I drank a bottle of Tequila last night, if the headache and all over body pain I woke up with is any indication... but wait, I gave that bottle away last week... all I drank yesterday was coffee and  water, water, water. I've gotta say- some things have happened that I didn't expect, while other things that I expected have not. Here's a quick recap of the week so far:

Monday: I was on Fire! I really wanted that McD's biscuit that is a Monday morning normal for me, with a Sweet Tea on the side, but it seriously wasn't terribly hard. Monday (and every other day this week) has highlighted exactly how often I eat junk throughout the day- the kids are having snack, I’ll eat one... someone has M&Ms, I'll eat some... Left over cookies in the office, sure...... Kid in CrossFit nursery offers an animal cracker, yes please... candy bar at the checkout of the dollar store, its only 88 cents!.... watching TV, popcorn sounds good.... I’m bored working on school work, that popcorn sounds really good! Each time I said No, and passed, I felt a small Victory, and it was wonderful! Even if I forgot to count my reps on the WOD and ended up estimating the score. Then Tuesday Afternoon came...

Tuesday: Tuesday morning was a lot like Monday- Small Victories all morning. Then, I sat in the cafeteria with all my students, watching them eat their corn dogs (I LOVE ME A GOOD CORNDOG!) and a child offers me some Candy corn. Simply because she remembered me saying in October how much I LOVE Candy Corn, and it was like a switch was triggered in my body. The kids were suddenly the loudest and most annoying they had ever been, my food in front of me was no longer appealing, and neither were the corn dogs or even the candy corns, I instantly went into this mood of aggravation. At everything. The rest of the day continued in this manner, Only getting better during Bible Study.  Even seeing all the non-compliant food that the other ladies brought didn't faze me. I went to bed thinking Wednesday would be more like Monday. I was wrong.

Wednesday: I woke up to a headache, a body ache and a desire to not see or talk to another living thing. Luckily I am a google junky, and have read blogs and articles, and found THIS timeline that make me feel a bit better about my moodiness. My desire to not even see food intensified, I had to force breakfast and lunch, and it was weird, cause it wasn't a “I don’t want this, I want a hamburger.” It was a “My body feels completely full, I can’t eat.” My mood improved some, but I traded crankiness for exhaustion. Luckily, I had a babysitting job planned that included “hey can you teach him to use this sewing machine?” So I went slightly overboard and we made a Raccoon, cause art and crafting speak to my heart.

Thursday (today): Head still here this morning, worse than yesterday, but eased the longer I was awake and once I had some coffee and ate some food. Today was pretty normal. Not much to report.

So, chances are, if you have met someone who is a crossfitter, then you have heard all about crossfit, and probably been told you should try it out. The same can be said of Melanie doing Whole30, everyone has heard about it. Even the students in my class got an explanation, cause I cant say no to candy corn without explaining! When I describe the Whole30 plan and restrictions, people have a few responses ranging from “You are insane, I could never do that!” to “Let me tell you all the advice I have/have ever heard about dieting” I love hearing people’s advice- from fellow Whole30ers (favorite thing ever is a giant group message of crossfitters, all talking whole30 and crossfit, all the time) from past dieters, and current dieters, I love it. Do I heed everything I hear? Not even close. This week I was chatting with a co-worker (who on Monday morning got kicked out of my class because she walked in with a McDonald’s bag!) and she told me I needed to stop talking about what I can’t have, I needed to change the narrative to talking about the things I Won’t have. This whole DAWN challenge thing, is a choice I am making, not a restriction placed on me by someone else. I can’t have cinnamon, because I’m allergic. I won’t have bread, because I am choosing to overhaul my eating patterns and learn to live a healthier life. I can’t have dairy, because my body can’t process the lactose. I won’t have sugar for the next 30 days because I am choosing to break my body’s addiction. It changes the narrative, and empowers my choice at the same time. Reminding myself that I am choosing to take 30 days to reevaluate my patterns, to focus on what those choices are, and pay attention to them. 30 days really isn’t that long. 30 days is only 8% of the year, 0.3% of my current lifetime. I think I can take 8% of my year, and choose to not have certain foods. I’ll let you know how that narrative is going later- when I really wanna stop choosing to not have those M&Ms. 

DAWN

So.... It's been a while hasn't it? Like, it's been 3 months since I shared my thoughts with the world in general (or at least, my tiny little corner or the world.) Three long months that have been crazy ridiculous. In one of my future posts (like sometime this week) I'll break down the past three months of CF for you, but for today, I've got other things on my mind.

Tomorrow starts the first challenge I've participated in at CrossFit College Park, the DAWN challenge. Here is a basic break down:

Diet: Whole30
Attendance: Showing Up and checking in
WODs: Tracking my results
New Habits: make a new habit.

For detailed info visit the website by Clicking Here.


When I first heard of the Whole30, I instantly dismissed it, for several reasons, some simply excuses, some real. Eating healthy and clean is not only hard in our culture, it is expensive, and time consuming. For someone who usually just settles for the convenient, quick and simple meals (like, microwavable or drive through) because they are quick and simple, and usually cheaper (LOVE me a $1 hamburger from McDonald's, and a pack of Ramen Noodles, not together though) the idea of having to actually prepare meals, and think beyond hitting buttons on a microwave, on a daily basis, not exciting to me. Like not at all. It actually is kinda terrifying. Whole30 requires a detox from sugar, grains, dairy and legumes. Basically all the things that make food super yummy. Real talk for a moment: I have food issues. Serious Food issues that will not be fixed in day, a week, or a conversation. The last two or so weeks has made it strikingly clear that my food issues run deep, and I'm tackling those issues, starting with 30 days of detoxing. Maybe one day in the future, I will share a heart felt look at those issues with you, but for now, lets leave it at the fact that the issues are there, and acknowledgement is the biggest part right?

As of this time last week, I was not going to be a part of this challenge, I would show up and follow the AWN part of the challenge, but the Diet part? wasn't gonna stress over it. Then, during a meeting at work, Allison, as she usually does, kinda forced me into saying "Fine! I'll do it" (which is very reminiscent of the conversation about starting Crossfit last March.) But then the issue of a team came into play, 1. I don't wanna let other people down. 2. I am not very social, in fact, new social situations kinda scare me and 3. Everyone I know is already on a team. Well,  I added my name onto the list of people who needed a team, and just prayed for people who would be understanding if I failed the diet one day, and still lend all the emotional support I will need. Then, Tuesday night, as I was getting ready for Bible Study, I get a message from a fellow Crossfitter, Alex, asking to join her team with T, and Yolanda, with the added "Want me to prepare your food too?" Ummm, YES. Yes I do. So basically I joined a team, and get the convenience of simply hitting buttons on my microwave, for the most part. Another thing that completely lifted my spirits about this? The following confession/response:
Me: there was a pack of cookies left over from Christmas in our classroom, and I had to of eaten at least 6 today, without even thinking about what I was doing, just because they were there.
T: Only 6?

It helps so much knowing that other people have issues to doesn't it?

So, zoom to today, the eve of the beginning of 30 days of DAWN, and my fridge is stocked with a weeks worth of meals, Whole30 compliant snacks are sitting in a bowl in my kitchen (apples, bananas, avocados, grape tomatoes, etc.) And my brain is trying to wrap around the idea that starting from the time I wake up tomorrow, until February 10, my diet is drastically changing, and it will be hard.

Attendance and WOD tracking are gonna come easy... cause you know, I basically already do that, only difference is figuring out the technology that lets CFCP know. Oh, and I'm gonna attempt to join in on WODs on Tuesdays, so Tri-Cities Ladies, be prepared to see me in Crossfit clothes on Tuesday Nights.

The last portion of this challenge is one that will not be tracked by points for the competition,  making a new habit. Well, I've decided my new DAWN specific habit will be.... blogging again. Somewhere along the way, I let myself get busy and kept putting off the blog, then i slowly just stopped thinking about it at all. In the midst of all the preparing for the challenge, I randomly clicked the bookmark for this blog, completely by accident, and the seed was planted. So, my commitment for this habit is more restarting an old one, but hey, I'm calling it legit.

The next thirty days are both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I look forward to sharing the experience.

Now, I'm off to get that Good bye Hamburger I've been thinking about all day, with a Large Sweet tea. :)

oh, and here is a lovely picture of all the food I get to enjoy this week:

Not much has changed, but they lived under water

Ok, so when I look at my life a year ago compared to now, not much has changed, except practically everything. I work at the same school, the important players in my life are the same, my life goals are basically the same. Only, I've changed significantly. I have a new home, a new dog, new habits, and most importantly, a new life view.

The past year has brought so many changes- I (in order) got a dog (Winchester), started working at the local crossfit keeping kids, few months later, I started training at that gym. My best friend adopted two amazingly sweet little girls, my baby sister moved (well, really just didn't come home after she graduated) to Tennessee, I moved, and I am in a new classroom this year. Those are all the "big, life changing" things... but those things have brought on so many other changes. My grocery receipt looks completely different, my thoughts about food, nutritious, and the word 'diet' are completely different. My stress levels? down considerably- I still get stressed (about everything... like, its a problem) but I don't stay stressed, I work through it a lot easier and quicker. My self confidence, greatly improved. I feel good about myself. I feel accomplished.

The beginning of October has been historically (if you only include the last 4 or so years) hard for my family. Death, Diagnoses, broken bones, all happen in around this time on varying years (specifically the 8th- but i already wrote about that- you should go read it) But this year, I get to reclaim the 8th, this year, the 8th gets to represent not only the death of my Mimmie, the diagnosis of my Momma, or the shattering of my ankle, but it will mark the SIX MONTH mark of my crossfit journey. There will be no escaping the fact that all the other things have a horrible tendency to happen on the same day every year (some one, please, please, please explain the likelihood of that) but this year, I get to also walk into the box, and complete a WOD that will represent a half year, and seventy five pounds of hard work, which is not to be taken lightly. I even canceled a weekly babysitting gig just so that I could go into the gym and complete a WOD on Wednesday.

So, here's to looking ahead to the next six months, and looking back to see all the numerous changes I will get to talk about then!

Hello old friends

So, you know how the longer you go not talking to a friend the harder it is to start talking to them again? No matter the reason for the silence... Perhaps you were mad at one time, or maybe life just happened... Or maybe you moved, started back to work and got really involved in some other activities and just somehow never communicated. In these situations, a simple "hello, old friend, how are you?"  tends to do the trick perfectly well....

So, Hello old friends, how are you? 

And beyond that, I completely plan to ignore the almost two months that I kinda forgot I had a bloggy thingy. 

I will give this background: September at Crossfit College Park has been "sufferfest" with hero WODs and paleo challenges... Basically it's been a fest of suffering. WODs that have pushed me to my limit, (while helping me find my limit) and left me feeling those workouts days later. And hey- since we have reconnected, let's hope I share some of those fun times with you! 

In other news- something very frustrating began happening this summer. I noticed my ankle (the 20% titanium and screws one) (that's a completely made up percentage... Just know that I have some percentage of my ankle that is held together by metal) beginning to swell, and just plain hurt, almost constantly. So I finally asked my doctor about it and several things were said to me:

1. Protect your flat feet, stop wearing shoes with no support. (Basically, no more flip flops or flats with no inserts) 

2. Crossfit is to high intensity for you. You need to Stop crossfit, or modify greatly. No high impact things on your ankle. And no running. (You see what we chose right!?!? Cause seriously, I'm not giving up on the first thing I have found that I'm still actively participating in six months later)

3. Start wearing that really expensive brace that you held on to after breaking your leg TWO years ago...  Oh wait, I threw that out in one of my packing purges exactly 3 weeks before being told this... (So I am making due with the $6 brace from the drug store...) 

So yea, not only have I begun to find my suffer fest limits, I'm getting better and better at listening to my body and what it's telling me. If my ankle twinges, I don't keep going. I reevaluate and figure out why. I ask for modifications, and listen after the WOD is over to determine the after effects of things (like walking on a running intensive WOD, and spending the entire weekend with a swollen ankle... Didn't hurt doing it, but I couldn't get that swelling to go away for two days!) 

And with that, I shall call this little reconnect finished for today. I promise I'll keep in touch this go round!

Words I hate that I know how to spell

So, there's some things in life that are always with you, like no matter what is happening around you, to you, because of you, they have a small part in it. Some things seem small, like your favorite colors,  other things are a little bigger, like your name (hard to escape that one!) other things are huge, like your family. Rather you family is larger or small, made up of blood or close friends, helpful or hurtful, loved or unloved, near or far, healthy or unhealthy, it's kind of a defining part of who we are. Every day I live, my family is never far from my thoughts, my sisters (both biological and honorary), my dog (who, after three days of being sick I spent my entire day worrying over), my cat (who scares me every time she jumps out of my fireplace) the "honorary " nieces and nephews that I get the privilege of loving, my dad (who doesn't get a cute parenthesises because I just can't even pretend to begin to describe him in a few short words)  and especially my mom. 

I still remember the phone call from my dad, "the doctor thinks it's something called pick disease. I'll get Leslie to send you the information he gave us. But you can find it all on google." A sense of relief overcomes you when you get the final diagnosis, you finally know what you are dealing with, you have named the enemy, you can finally fight this after three years of misdiagnosis and unanswered questions. Then you type "Pick Disease" into Google, you find out it's actually "Pick's Disease" or more  specifically "Frontal Temporal Dementia (FTD)." You begin to realize, there is no fighting this, there's not even any slowing this down. You read life expectancies, you read about the wonder herb, chemical, plant etc that "so and so" are swearing by (that every medical professional somehow missed.) you text your BFFs, and receive a phone call from that BFF (which is super weird... We don't do phone calls unless it is super urgent,) but you don't answer it, cause somehow you are expected to still go to work  and you know, work. That phone call becomes a treasured voicemail that you still have saved almost three years later. You finally ban yourself from the internet for a few weeks (at least from googling this disease) and wait for the final confirmation from the neurologist, which comes the same day that you shatter your leg by falling down the stairs (which is also the one year anniversary of your grandmother's death.) (This is also the day that gets banned from your family's calendar, at the Stewart houses, we have October 7a, 7b and 9... No 8 to speak of) 

Over the past several years, we have watched as my mom slowly faded from us, becoming a completely different person, that is unrecognizable from the person we knew and grew up with. Last year my family and I joined the voices of people across the nation in the fight against dementia in the Alzheimer's (there's a word I wish I didn't know how to spell) Association's Walk to End Alzheimer's. This year we are doing it again. It's my dream and goal, that one day that relief of having a dementia diagnosis, can remain a relief, that it is no longer the end of the road. Treatment must be found that does more then a manage the symptoms.

And here is my crossfit tie in- I've learned over the past several months through crossfit, that to finish something really hard, it takes more then sheer determination, it takes people. It takes the people around you telling you to just do sets of 5, cause eventually you will make it to 50, it takes three people sitting down in front of you and counting to ten for you, cause counting is sometimes really hard, it takes someone saying, "you've got this, don't stop," then offering a high five or knuckle tap. I've seen the effect of people rallying around someone and shouting encouragement (or sometimes simply offering a thumbs up or head nod from across the room) 

 As most people that take the time to read this blog are either close family and friends, or crossfitters them selves, I'm asking that you partner with me in this fight. That you rally around my family, and the families of those nearly 5 million people affected by dementia and show support. Join my family's team at the 5k in October, deck yourselves out in purple, and come walk with us. Give a few dollars to support the cause. Ask me about car magnets that you can buy as a fundraiser. Ask me about the cool crafting my sisters and I plan to do to raise money. Ask me for a change jar to collect your spare change over the next few months for this cause. Visit our team page, leave some encouragement, share my team page with your friends. The biggest obstacle for this disease is awareness, it's not an "old person's disease" my mom was 55 when she was diagnosed, others are younger. Join me on this fight. Even if it's the simple clicking of a share button. 

You can find my team page here: http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk/?px=9290815&pg=personal&fr_id=5036 

[insert super clever! relatable title here]

Ok, so two(ish) months ago when I decided to move, I seriously had the thought "how hard can it be? All I have to do is pack stuff up, and the move it in. Easy peasy." Wanna know how wrong I was? Completely, totally, and amazingly wrong.  Did I also mention that I chose the last week of my current class to be move in week? So this week, not only am I constantly staring at everything in my house that still needs to be packed, I was also working on a end of class "prove that you learned something" paper with a list of requirements longer then the paper was required to be. Oh, and my phone is sick... And not isn't covered on obamacare. Also, it's supposed to rain all day Saturday. 😁

To say I'm stressed is an understatement. 

Hey, did you know that shaking (aka dropping) your ipad causes the whole chunk of text you just typed out to be deleted? Yea, I just learned that too. 

Anyways, Tuesdays at my home church this July have been "team up Tuesdays" which have been tons of fun! Hanging out with kiddos all day has been a great break from everything! This past Tuesday, we learned about Joshua, and the walls of Jericho. Our scripture verse? Joshua 1:9, in which God pretty much tells josh to get with it, cause he has has nothing to fear, cause you know, God is with him. Those walls of Jericho are nothing compared to the power of the all powerful God. Know what else? Those boxes, and papers, and rain are nothing compared to the power and strength of the ally I have on my team. 

Also, anyone want a fridge? Or dryer? Or dresser that needs a lot of refurbishing? Or a couch? Or a twin sized bed? Cause they are not going to my new house...

Anyways. On to crossfit... I may have not gotten a crossfit wod in all week... Scheduling time to get there has been hard, but hopefully tonight's will work out. Waiting to hear about a meeting I may or may not need to go to... If not, I will definitely be there tommorrow... At some point! 

Alright, well, back to packing.